Beauty and True Sight (from the journals)

It is all thought provoking, this thing of Beauty. It is all at once physical, external, sensual, and yet, there is some point of it all that touches inside, internally. I know it must be our recognition of that which is greater, beyond ourselves. Surely, for such beauty to move us there must be a reason, and what would cause us to turn away from our pursuit of knowing this?

How dastardly and ugly is sinful flesh that would make us "love darkness rather than light." How completely dark it must be, how incapable are our eyes that we would blink and turn? I know the argument that in order for one to appreciate fully that which is beautiful there must be a thing that is dark and ugly. We are not able to note beauty unless there is a foil to hold against it. Yet, how was it that at first creation man and woman saw it all as perfectly good? Was it, perhaps, not that there was a dark force contrasting the light, but rather a purer light through which it was all viewed?

The light that is to light all the world in the end must surely have been there at the beginning. Perhaps, this light is the only filter we truly need. Does this life-light provide for us the vision to see it all as beautiful? The light that must emanate from the One who "was and is and is to come", the glow from this Holy must be so pure and true that we crave to know it just from our taste of beauty we find on earth, now. What must the world have looked like for the first humans, the ones who had this light even in front of them, walking side by side in "the cool of the day." And how terribly clever and awful is the enemy that he may deceive even those with this perfect sight?

I shudder to think of the change in tones, colors, perceptions and understanding that came with the fall. I do not blame them for hiding, not wanting to show their strange, now seemingly disfigured bodies to the very One who purposed their existence. I suppose this is a partial answer to why we "all fall short", why we love "darkness rather than light" for deep down, despite what intellects say, we are broken, torn, marred. We wish not to be seen. How I long for the day when we are all renewed, restored to a place of old. A day where we can once again see that which is truly beautiful, perceiving the creation at is was purely meant to be.

***

How lovely it will be when I am in heaven, or with my Saviour for many reasons, but one in particular. This is not a unique reason, nor is it original thought, for if you were to ask this of most any believer they would state the same. I so desire the understanding to provide an answer for why.

As I sit now in my life, I do not, nor will I ever fully know the "why's" of it all, and I, indeed, try to focus rather on the "how." That is "How" this can be used for my sanctification. Once I am in a place of being able to stand while being given the answer, I long to know why life is the way it is. Why have I made my sinful decisions when I knew full well that they were causing me to depart from the Way. Why did my love leave? Why has this life caused so much heart-ache? Why has life allowed the separation of my daughter and myself?

It is one thing to "know" or have a "knowledge" of life such as the finite understanding of a sovereign God, a faith that holds onto that which I can never fully grasp. But, if possible, I want to know the purpose, the plan behind it all, as it were. I suppose it is a thought that it is all for me, that is that these are lessons to set me in a proper place of Sanctification, which is fine. I wonder at the union than of a Father and his child.

If these life lessons are training tools for me, the father, where does it come into play for the benefit of the daughter? Of course, I have yet to fully live out my life, and this may still be answered, but it would be a lie to say it does not affect me now. It is so difficult to understand it's purpose right at this moment.

I do not mean to complain, for many great things have come to be for me, in my life. If it all allows my to serve my God by better means, than it is worth it. If it brings about salvation for others I know it is good. I also know that the best I can do is to set myself in a position of walking properly with my Saviour, and this I am attempting to do, but it does not much to make me wonder at the plan for my little Jersie. Perhaps, it is not how I should think, but I cannot help myself. I think almost every hour of my love, my daughter.

Love songs have taken on a new message, not for me and a woman, but for me and THE WOMAN, my Jersie.

Is this odd? She has become my whole love. Short of my allegiance to my Lord, she is my purpose, my reason, my life.

I hate the feeling that must come from the enemy, that I am not a good father, that I am not doing enough. I loathe this feeling. I pray that this feeling will leave, that God would occupy my mind in order that I would know and even feel that I am doing my all. I desire so much to be with her, and I know that my separation is not my fault. Even this is a thought spread by the destroyer, the accuser. I must not give in. It was not my doing, my will or desire....